To all my soon-to-be-overworked subordinates,

As your new leader, I want to make something crystal clear: your previous understanding of work-life balance was deeply flawed. Under my visionary leadership, we’ll be implementing several groundbreaking initiatives:

• Your weekend plans are now officially optional (and by optional, I mean canceled) • “Family emergency” will be redefined as “lacking commitment to excellence” • The phrase “that’s not in my job description” has been permanently banned • Your lunch break is now a “voluntary productivity enhancement period”

Remember: A good leader takes credit for your successes and ensures you take full responsibility for their failures. That’s just good business. 💼

We’re not just a team – we’re an involuntary family. And like any good toxic family, we’ll be having mandatory fun activities after hours (attendance will be noted).

Looking forward to watching you all exceed my impossible expectations!